Let's talk old-timey candy

It's a wicked season, for so many reasons. Here's some sweet relief.

Photo courtesy Calef’s Country Store

This is a roundup of old-timey candy that’s still worth your time, from an O.G. connoisseur who doesn’t have an original tooth in her mouth.

If you too are stress-eating in the name of democracy, or are just in the mood for a break from the apocalypse, these nostalgic candies are worth falling into the discontinued-candy rabbit hole. Happy Halloween! < laughing while also crying while also deeply grateful for hard-working Des Moines and Iowa representatives and election workers >

Red licorice. All manner of. This is a flavor that endures, though the little licorice wheels are a delight to unwind and have a slightly cherry-er flavor.

Munch. Found only in the occasional Walgreens, and a choice selection of WalMarts (where you can buy them in a bag of chunks, which I assume were just broken rejected bars because they taste the same, unlike other “minis” such as M&M minis), this big ole square of peanut brittle may be the most underrated bar of all time. Packed with peanuts, so you get the illusion of health, and made with only seven ingredients, this is the path to simple pleasure for salty-sweet fans. Salted Nut Roll is also in this flavor profile family, which I prefer over a Payday anyday.

Superior to all others

Skor. Butter toffee coated in a quality milk chocolate. Unlike a Heath bar, which is made with English toffee that has a hint of bitter, this bar is powered by the smooth curves of buttery goodness. Also the candy bar I considered lucky in softball—when I ate one, I always got a base hit. (Base hit Skors!) Found at your local hardware store, sitting right next to the Toffifay, which is also underrated but not quite up to the Skor bar of excellence.

Razzles over Bottle Caps. It’s really just that simple.

Beeman’s Clove Chewing Gum. Because I can no longer smoke cloves, as they are allegedly unhealthy, I chew this gum when I can find it. Clove hard candies can also do the trick but are even more rare. The gum gets stiff fairly quickly, but the flavor lingers all around you and acts as a passive clove perfume. Which is classy. Teaberry flavor is also worth your time.

Adjacent full-experience gums that didn’t make the final cut: Bubble-gum cigars, Big League Chew, Bazooka, Rain*Blo (which deserves its own mention, but what else is there to say except that it remains an excellent, though fleeting, chewing experience).

Tootsie Roll Pops. Of the extra-special hard candies of yore—Lifesavers Storybooks and Chupa Chups among them—a Tootsie Pop is the gold standard that still surprises as it endures. When have you eaten one and not enjoyed it? Maybe the chocolate one, maybe, but even with this least-good flavor, you’ll jog down memory lane with that owl who wants you to count the licks. A-one, a-two-whooo! A-three! In a scientific poll, conducted in my own mind, these have replaced starlite mints and root beer barrels and butterscotch discs as the most-often-carried candy of grandpas everywhere. Tootsie Roll, by the way, remains a private company owned by the octogenarian daughter of its founder.

Lollies. I can’t quite figure out if the traditional lolly—this two-colored chalky-sweet UFO saucer and booster club concession stand staple—is still made by Palmer’s candies or if it’s been overtaken by Sweet Tarts. But the old version was proof that tart or sour candy doesn’t have to damage your stomach lining to prove its point. (See also: Pixie Sticks and Fun Dip).

Chik O Stick. What even are these? Naked Butterfingers? It’s best not to ask questions. I am certain this particular blend of peanut butter, coconut, and vanilla is the cause of at least three childhood cavities, and I say that with real fondness. Next time you’re in the checkout line at your local ancient drugstore/Hallmark card outlet that also sells candles, just eat one. Just try. You’ll see what I mean.

Did I leave out your favorite? Tell me all about it.